False Alarm

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You know those mornings where you accidently set your alarm to PM instead of Am? Or maybe you just forgot to turn the alarm on the night before? I personally had this happen to me yesterday morning, at ohh about 5:10 am. I had completely forgotten to set my alarm and miraculously woke up 20 minutes before my shift at work began. I’ve determined a few thought processes we go through when an event like this occurs.

1. Panic. From the moment you first look at the clock and you slowly comprehend what has happened, a split second of panic ensues. (This literally lasts a second because obviously you have better things you need to be thinking about)
2. You sit up, frantically thinking of what you can get done in the small fragment of time you now have instead of the hour you had planned to take a shower, eat breakfast, and brush your teeth. “Crap, crap, crap…. I definitely don’t have time to shower, I’ll have to do that after work. Crap… no time to brush my teeth, I can do that at work. Clothes changing, yes need to do that…..” (This all takes about maybe 30 seconds if not less)
3. As you continue thinking of the things that you are capable of cutting out of your morningly routine and adapting to this sudden change, you begin to change your clothes, grab your toothbrush, grab a pop-tart, etc. All the while thinking “Crap.. Crap.. Crap… What a horrible way to start off my day.”

I don’t know about you…. but that is one of my biggest fears, forgetting to set my alarm. I have my morningly routine, if that gets screwed up… I feel off. This morning, I admit I was pissed that it had happened, I was frantically getting my stuff together… I even forgot to brush my hair. I mean seriously, how hard is it to set an alarm? Then suddenly I decided to change the course of my day in that moment. I stopped what I was doing, stood in the kitchen, and took a deep breath trying to calm my nerves. After I had cleared my head a bit… I prayed. It was simple…. easy… “God, I can’t, You can, I will let you.” I continually said that until I felt at least some bit of peace.. Took what felt like forever in my time, which may have been a minute in real time.

You may be having a hard time undrestanding the prayer. Basically what I was saying to God was: I seriously don’t feel like I can handle this right now on top of everything that is going on in my life. I really really really don’t want to feel crappy all day just because I forgot to set my alarm. I cannot do this on my own, God… I hand this over to you. You have complete control… Help me overcome this obstacle in my path.

And seriously, my prayers were answered. I still struggled throughout the day but somehow things seemed… better. Less burdensome. It’s amazing how one little shift in my thought processes changed my day. Very Cool… and worth sharing.

Update

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This is an e-mail that I sent a friend this morning to update her on my crazy life. Which has been pretty… insane. I thought I was going to have time to analyze little parts of my life and write about them. No… not a chance. Writing may be placed on the back burner until this semester ends… which I am okay with. Anyway, this is being used as a sort of update for those of you who don’t have a clue what is going on in my life. It’s pretty generic but gives you an idea of where I’m at currently.

… I’m currently working as a counselors assistant at a substance abuse rehabilitation center. It’s been so challenging, way more challenging than anything I have ever done in school. It’s been teaching me to really believe in myself and what I am doing. Which goes along with what God has been really putting on my heart this semester. That is, rediscovering my confidence in myself that I seemed to have lost over the past couple of years. The only way I can find this confidence is by feeling confident that God is always there, will always love me, and believing His Truth, which I am finding is extremely hard for me to do. I know in my head that He does, but my heart doesn’t quite feel it. This is frustrating at times, because I really want to believe it, but it’s just not there.

That is a huge reason why I am doing recovery. To identify what is blocking that sense of freedom that I can find through Christ. At first though, me being the natural goal achiever that I am; I set it up in my head as yet another notch on my belt of becoming a “better Christian”. Recently, I am realizing that one reason recovery has been so hard is because I focus so much on the next step rather than on my relationship with God and Him healing me. I am not going to figure everything out within one semester, I just don’t see how that is feasible. It’s a lot of unnecessary pressure for me to be placing on myself. Especially since it is not needed.

I wish I could say that I have had major break throughs, but honestly, I haven’t. I feel lost and confused most of the time… and I hate feeling like I am getting no where. I have made some progress though, it’s been a super slow process, but I’m hoping that eventually I will find freedom. I’m banking on that! 🙂 I’m currently trying to be content with the progress that I have made while still being willing to continue to grow with God in this aspect of my life. Someday the truth will just hit me! And it shall set me free! 🙂 Hehe.

Coffee Time with the Kitty.

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I woke up this morning kind of in a, bleh mood. I really did not want to go to work! I’m tired of it, I just want to rest, Blech. On top of that, I have the neediest cat ever. It’s seriously like having a child, she hates it when I work my overnights, and when I’m gone for hours at a time during the day running errands. My roommate tells me she whines for me while I’m gone, which naturally upsets me because I already feel like I’m neglecting her.

I think these quiet times in the mornings give us our quality time, healthy for both of us. She gets some time in with me, I get my God time in while getting be with my kitty. She’ll lay on my lap, I’ll have my cup of coffee, and read my Bible. It’s actually pretty peaceful. And even after a while, she’ll go off and play.

This morning, having her here on my lap kind of made my morning. It’s just kind of like, I can always count on this before my working shifts. Hope laying on my lap, God being there, and getting to spend some quality time with both of them.

This morning I decided I wanted to read some letters… here’s a verse that I really enjoyed:

“….because the truth lives in us and will be with us forever. Grace, mercy, and peace which come from God the Father and from Jesus Christ – the Son of the Father – will continue to be with us who live in truth and love.” – 2 John 1:2-3

It kind of explains why my morning quiet times are so comforting to me. I know God will be there, even in the midst of my “bleh moods” and my chaotic weeks. There’s peace in this.

Kaitlyn’s List of Totally Freaking Awesome Verses that She Read this Morning

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“For the Lord will not forsake his people, He will not abandon His heritage”  -Psalm 94:14

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” 1 John 4:18

The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save, He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” – Zephaniah 3:17

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace and comfort you as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” -Romans 15:13

 

I seriously wish I had more time to elaborate and tell you why these mean so much to me this  morning.. But I do not. I have to go to work here in 30 min. and I’m not even dressed yet. Whoops! But let me say this… I’m beginning to see these verse in a way different light than I did just a few weeks/months ago. God is a transformer, for sure. He transforms our hearts in ways we can only imagine.

….Love Your Neighbor as Yourself….

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Tonight as I went to grab my Bible to write this post real quick… I stepped in my cat’s water bowl. It was probably the most interesting experience because….
1. I wasn’t expecting it.
2. It was cold.
3. My pantleg was drenched.

Rock on.

Tonight, I went to one of BSU’s worship services, which was awesome by the  way. The speaker tonight was talking about community… also, awesome. She placed a verse up on the screen and I just kind of had moment of clarity… a whisper, I guess you could say. 😉

And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. -Matthew 22:37-39

Pretty well known verse right? As I read  it, I did a double take “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time showing myself love, let alone grace. And it hit me: How am I supposed to love others if I can’t even love myself??  It states right there, you shall love your neighbor as yourself. If you hate yourself… won’t you assume the worst of others as well?

I just sat there like, “Huh. That’s interesting.” I like it. It’s definitely something to remind myself as I’m drowning myself in shame… How am I supposed to love others, something that I desire to do soooo much,  if I can’t even love myself? Or even allow God to love me?

His Perfect Love

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I am note taker. It takes me forever to finish a book because I have to sit, process, write down quotes, my thoughts and concerns… it’s neverending! And then I never even go back and read them. (That’s not true, I do… sometimes.) I think college has ingrained this idea in me that if I write stuff down then maybe I will make neurological connections in my head and it will stick. Sometimes that is very true, other times not so much.

This morning during my overnight I was reading one of my butt ton of books and I found some excerpts that I thought others might really benefit from. Maybe it will encourage you, like me, to start seeking for the confidence within yourself, a confidence in God and His loving relationship with you. That is my hope and prayer.

“We fear that if people know we doubt ourselves, they’ll start doubting us too.”  -Renee Swope, A Confident Heart.”

  • Okay… I don’t know about you, but this is a huge fear of mine. And is a reason why I don’t share my insecurities with others very often. The reason I wrote this down is because it made me feel like I wasn’t the only person in the world with that fear, it made me feel a little less alone in my journey.

“Instead, He invites us to slow down and talk to Him about our day and the desires of our hearts, asking Him to show us the reasons for our doubts and insecurities. He wants us to go below the surface by asking Him why we want what we want.” 

  • Now, have you ever actually considered doing that with God? Telling Him your true feelings. I always have this mental image of God scolding me for being selfish or inconsiderate of His great plans for me. Which is probably why I always feel guilty with I complain to others about things going on my life, and then feel the need to apologize. When I read this, something just clicked for me. It was like… why not tell God and be truly honest with Him. I know as we become closer to our friends and community we open up more about our lives, developing our trust in them. Why not seek this deeper trusting relationship with God? Then maybe I will be able to have confidence in all the good things He says about me. It’s nice thought, right?
1st step: embrace your imperfections in the light of God’s perfect love. 
  • I am human. I have imperfections. He  created me to be who I am, imperfections and all, for a reason. I always think of Psalm 139 when it comes to something like this.
The next portion is a bit of a prayer that the author wrote at the end of the chapter:
“…I want to know and rely on the love You have for me, Jesus, and live in that love. I trust that because your love is perfect, I don’t have to be…”
  • That’s a pretty deep prayer just with that excerpt. Desiring to live and have confidence that God’s love is there always… is one thing. Knowing and believing that it’s there is another. Placing that trust in God… is hard. But it’s still encouraging to hear, am I right? Something to strive to believe, I suppose. It’s the truth, so why not try and believe it? ; )

My Semester.

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When you think college you usually think of those expensive books that you have to buy, and maybe never open… ever.  I was one of those students that would set goals to get at least some of the reading done before each class. I always did great for the first 2 weeks, then life would happen and I would get absorbed in papers, tests, and trials.

The thing about me is, I love school, I love textbooks, I love learning new things. I am a nerd, for sure. Last year, as I was approaching my inevitable graduation I was starting to get excited. While, I love my textbooks and my classes, I was ready for a little change up, to read some other books that I had been trying to read the past 3 years of my life and wasn’t really able to. It was a new chapter in my life and I was ready for a bit of a break from the college life.

When I was in school, I thought that life would be different after I graduated. I was right, but I thought it would be a bit more on the easier side. Umm… I am here to tell you, it is not that way. Hah. I am being challenged way more now than I ever was in school.  School, I just had to sit in a lecture hall, write papers, and take tests (all things I can do pretty effortlessly). Now, I am being pushed through my jobs to do things that I am extremely uncomfortable with. Like teach classes, be firm, and stand up to people. Now I actually have to apply things and it is HARD. 😉

The freedom in book reading is great, but the ones I have chosen are super challenging to me as well. Want a list?

Kaitlyn’s Book It List for Fall 2011

1. Telling Yourself the Truth

This is a book that I have already finished and has been extremely challenging for me to read. I ended up having the buy it so I can turn back to it when I’m having doubts and remember what is true, and what is not. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. A Confident Heart: How to Stop Doubting Yourself & Live in the Security of God’s Promises

I think the title of pretty self-explanatory. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Battlefield of the Mind: Winning the Battle in Your Mind

Once again, pretty self-explanatory. Noticing a bit of a trend???

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. Making Peace with Your Past

Now, this is a workbook. And I am excited! I LOVE workbooks. It helps me process through things in an organized manner. When I try to process through things on my own, it messy and frustrating for me. And I always end up having to talk with someone about it later so I can actually figure out what is going on. I still have to do that with this workbook, but at least I will sound intelligent while processing through it. 😉 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So there is a trend this semester… my self esteem. I didn’t even realize this  was happening until I pulled all my books out of my bag and looked at them. One of my deepest, core issues is going to start being addressed this semester. These books are going to challenge me way more than any textbook or class ever did. But, it will lead me on a path to freedom from so many burdensome things. The only thing I need to do: is be patient with myself, allow mistakes, allow others to love me, and grace.